He says that He'll be rich some Day
10.26.05 - 12:13 a.m.

Inching towards completion on a couple of things, tomorrow's goals are early morning laundry and double-class-awesomeness, programming tripletime cool.

Today I thought a lot about where I want to be with me and who I don't want to be, who I am vs who I want to be, because I saw a guy with dark blue pants whose creases were white and the wallet-lines were white, I don't know if I could be happy not changing for long enough to get wallet lines in my pants. I don't want to do that. And so I thought about what I do want to be doing, and what I need to do more of, and there's a lot.

I don't want to wake up every morning in the same bed to the same alarm, put on the same clothes as the week before and do to the job I did yesterday in the city I was born in. I don't want to slip my wallet in the same pocket turned the same way, I don't want to know where my keys are and snag them off the hook at the same time every morning on my way to drive the same roads. I don't want to have taco tuesday and pizza monday and steak friday, I don't want people to expect exactly what I'm going to say and do.

I want to be able to talk to people, and I can't any more. I scare people and I don't communicate well. I can't finish formulating ideas and sentences, I use inappropriate words and I use words out of context. How did I go from wanting to be a writer to barely formulating sentences? This is what happens without structure and practice.

I think my blogs in a couple of years could be very bizarre. I'll end up writing xml-ified blog entries with incomplete tags, sentence fragments and words.

At what point did I lose the ability to communicate?

I was serious about wanting to know why you're doing what you're doing. I don't think I was entirely honest. I ended up at UNO because hey I like computers and the idea that the world could be networked together, I can't wait for google to conquer the world and allow me to search your computer. And UNO has a sweet deal where if you like computers OK, you basically are catered to and they pay you to go to school. So two years of that, and I take IT Ethics becuase I liked Ethics in high school, I needed something a little softer than pure programming, and then I got sucked in to security sort of peripherally. I guess it's that we know how to protect ourselves, but we just fail time and time again and so we're at the point now where we're trying to fail softer, we're trying to make it easier on everyone when things go down, that's what attracted me. That, and there's always a story, either a real one or the opportunity to make one up. If you see everything someone does on their computer, it's pretty easy to feel like you know them, to feel like you're in their skin and you can sort of feel what's coming next. You can see what makes people tick and what attracts their interest, who they see themselves as and sometimes who they really are. I still can't figure out where I lost my communication skills, because I know I didn't have any last year. I came out of high school pretty confident, and then I end up here barely able to articulate what a lab's function is to sixth graders? Something went wrong.